I want to to be able to better manage my time. I want to spend more time with my family and still work to provide for them as well as make time to do the things that I like to do for myself. What a perfect world it would be if I could have a JOB where I CRAFTED at HOME.
All of my life I have loved arts and crafts. I love creating. I love making things my own. I love working with my hands, drawing, painting, cutting, gluing, assembling, creating. I can remember when I was in elementary school and my art teachers would always have to drag me away from what I was doing because it was the end of class. I made so many awesome little crafts, even if they were only awesome to me. I still have a lot of them. I made a board game called Teddy Chase, a foil clown portrait, a little paper t.v. with a scrolling screen and a tiny box of tissues on top, and a paper weave alien. The paper t.v. didn't survive my crazy busy life and I'm not sure what ever happened to the board game. Man, I loved making all of those things! I was that kid that would sit for hours coloring in a coloring book. I loved to write stories with animations. I had a sticker collection that was out of this world! I loved to draw and watch people draw. My grandma drew horses all the time and I was in awe of her talent! She made it look so easy! My other grandma loved to sew things and gave us homemade gifts all the time. I still have some of those too! Her daughter, my aunt Robin, also loved to create things. She sewed so beautifully but was good at anything her hands touched. My mom, though I have but few memories, loved to work with her hands too. She crocheted and macrame'd (is that even a word??) and sewed and painted. She loved poetry and was generally a very artsy soul. I guess I've sort of been surrounded by art my whole life. Art is therapeutic. It's healing. I am so content when I'm crafting and happier after spending time creating. I am my best me when I'm doing what I love, crafting.
I am at a pretty serious crossroads in my life right now. If you know me, you know I'm having a really hard time with some decisions I've made recently. One of which is to move on from my job of 22 years. I love my job. I love the people I work for. I love what I do. My reasons for leaving are very personal. Part of my decision is based on the fact that I feel I'm worth more. And feeling that way I know that I am really the only one that can change that. Sure, I could ask for more money but is that really going to make me feel better? It that the only thing motivating me to move on? There are other reasons, of course. But until recently I wasn't sure how to verbalize it. My employers and a lot of their colleagues have complimented me over the years, encouraging me to do more because they knew I was capable. They have not only made me feel appreciated and needed but they've made me feel confident on many levels. Life has been nothing short of crazy the last few years and on top of the global problems we are having, I've had a few storms in my personal life. Maybe I haven't been working up to my potential. Maybe I'm not as much of an asset as I thought I was. These are things that go through my mind as I struggle with why I no longer feel appreciated and needed the way that I used to. I feel disposable. I feel foolish. I feel deflated. So I've asked myself, "why?" Why do I feel this way? There have been a handful of times over these 22 years that I've considered leaving or trying to find something else. Each time I felt that way I inched closer and closer to that door. I saw a meme once that said something about the employers not realizing that their employees were already one foot out the door. I don't remember exactly what it said but I felt it to the core. They had no idea how I felt because I never told them. That in itself isn't fair. Was it because I didn't have the confidence? Was it because of how 'safe' I feel having this job and how much I fear making the wrong decision and ending up in a more difficult position? At 46 years old, do I really want to start over somewhere? This family I've created knows everything about my life and they keep me employed. They have allowed me to stay here for 22 years and grow, personally and professionally. While I may have been less than perfect, especially while going through the tough times, this family has stood behind me and supported me through everything. That means so much to me. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't need more. I deserve more. And I have a hard time saying that.
I made the decision a few weeks ago to inform my current employers that I am looking for a new job. Things are tight around here, financially, so I know they are not in a position to help me the way I need it. I lost part of my income when the non-profit I was working for part-time left and I can't expect everyone else to pick up the slack. My first idea was how can I supplement my income to make up that difference. I could get a second job, working a few nights a week and some time during the weekend. But I am already unhappy with the little time I have to spend with my family so that idea was not very inviting. I thought about my crafts, but again, more time that I didn't have. How profitable could it be if I didn't have much time to put into it? So I went with option 3. Look for a new job, hopefully more potential for advancement and better pay and benefits. Nothing crushes the soul more for someone looking for a new job than the painful truth behind 'qualifications'. In three weeks I've learned that I am not certified enough to qualify for the higher paying jobs and I'm overqualified for the jobs that I am best fit for. I have 22 years of experience...but I don't have a piece of paper that says that. My biggest dream, and I know I'm not alone, is to be able to work from home, make my own hours, LIKE what I'm doing, make enough money to pay my bills and still be able to craft when I want to. Spending so much time away from home and away from the people and the things I love is absolutely crippling. Part of me thinks I should just stay where I am, eat the pay cut, budget differently and craft for fun whenever I have time. But a much bigger part of me wants nothing more than to just craft ALL DAY LONG.
In March of 2020 I decided to start my Facebook Crafting page. I hoped it would flourish and turn into something much bigger. My dream was to create a way to spend MORE time crafting. That is what really makes me happy. I stepped out of my comfort zone and decided to do some of my crafts in a live video for others to watch and even craft along if they wanted to. Part of the reason I did that was to show others how fun and easy crafting was. But the other reason was much more personal. I needed to find a way to focus on something other than the negative things in my life. This world hasn't been so easy to navigate at times and I've allowed entirely too much negativity into my heart. I've hurt so bad for so long and it was beginning to show in that I was losing my ability to deal with things in a healthy way. A lot of the little things had finally built up into much bigger things and I was about to explode, emotionally. I needed a way to work though that and quickly found out that crafting was the way. If I'm upset for any reason I can sit down at that table with some paint, some hot glue, a pair of scissors and a few ideas in my head and within an hour I no longer feel the pressure on my heart from all the negativity. Whatever it is that makes me feel angry, hurt, sad, confused, or unhappy in any way, just dissolves. I'm a very sensitive person, yes. I cry a lot. I take things way too personal. I misconstrue others feelings. I get confused when people around me don't understand why I'm upset. And I get so upset with myself for not being able to control that. I am who I am because of who I've been. I've always tried so hard to make everyone around me happy that I've forgotten how to do the same for myself. The people closest to my heart have always been so gracious in telling me how talented they think I am and encouraging me to do more with my crafts. I know my crafts aren't for everyone, but God bless these little angels in my life who have always believed in me and loved me long the way.
I've often been asked why I don't try to do more with my crafts. Why I don't try to make a profit from them. My answer has always been the same. First of all, this is my passion, my escape, my happy place. The minute I make it my job, my biggest fear is that I will lose that passion. Second, it takes a lot of time to make this sort of thing profitable. And of course, money. I have to work 40+ hours a week at my 'regular job' so we can pay our bills. That leaves little time for crafting. I still have a home and a family to take care of. Where do I find the time to do all the things? As my husband would say, 'you make time'.
Now that I've talked my way through this I think I know what direction I want to go but I'm not really sure where to start. I'll continue to look for a better job but I won't settle. If I'm leaving my job of 22 years I'll do so with confidence, not question. And while I stay employed with my current awesome and very understanding employers, I will also be exploring the possibilities of making my crafts my hobby AND my part time job on the side. I don't have a degree of any kind but I have a lot of knowledge and passion so I know I'll figure it out if I really want to. I mean, I've already made it through all the things I thought were going to kill me, right? I can surely figure out how to find another job and find a way to make crafting part of my regular routine. I don't know if I would have the courage to follow my dreams if it weren't for all the amazing close friends and family I have who have always supported me, encouraged me and loved me. You have never doubted me and you've shown me more love than I'll ever be worthy of. Thank you. You mean the absolute world to me.
Time to do some research and start creating a game plan!
